Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Coping & Chizzuk

It's been very tough -particularly around 7:00 p.m. and there about on Sundays. We get nauseous and sick to our stomachs. We are caught in moments that go no-where and everything seems to slow. Amazingly, though we wanted to see no-one, 2 angels stopped by (One of the two witnesses to the event) and unwittingly caressed our neshamos. BTW they did Chesed in the most perfect way - ("We are only here for a few minutes" they said -giving us an opportunity to say "go" and kept checking back with us to see if we wanted them to be there) -that's the way to do it. Most people most of the time have been very good at checking in, seeing if we need or want anything, not waiting to elicit a conversation (not every interested in that) and leaving us. And if you do stop by, in general be very sensitive that we have little kids to bathe, feed, shower, homework and put to bed. Those kids schedules are of course 1st priority. We are bh getting through this together and it has been so important to us your outpouring of love, care and concern. It had made me know in the deepest way how special it is to be "Jewish", a part of the Jewish people, how we shine as a people once put to the test - you know we are all part of the same body (unit) when our toe is stubbed and it hurts, the ripple effect makes us feel it somewhere else. We have experienced this first hand, your hands are still holding ours, you haven't let go - We feel that this is your trauma and pain too. You can't do enough! Nothing is too big, nothing is too small. How I think to myself "how unresponsive have I been" to precious people in my life who have someone dear to them. Of course I will do bli neder a better job in the future. One thing I forgot to mention is please be very careful now about telling us something mundane, insignificant to us at this time and please don't ask me to take responsibility for your shared pain at some other time in your life by sharing it with us - I only mean this with love- I don't have what it takes inside of me right now to be fully there for you, listening to you, caring about your feelings-I just don't. I don't want to know in a post or visit how what I said reminds you of the time your mourned for x or felt y pain. With our personalities it is extremely hard to feel indulgent of our own feelings and be a little understandably self absorbed. We know that in time, that we want to fully present in your lives, showering you with our warmth, fun, and appreciation of your unique self.

This is long term type of thing. Unfortunately, my brother passed away when i was 21, my parents lost a child - I saw and learned a lot from that time. How in the world does one get used to the idea that "things will never be the same" - ever! There will never be a care-free moment again when everything will feel complete-not even at the wedding of any of our children. Just the opposite there will be an over-whelming void that something is missing, not in it's place and really messed up. The other day I had an insight to this point. Hold onto your hats! That actually is supposed to be the normal feeling for us in this world and we are just catching up to it. What do i mean?. If one is really real with the fact that this world is not "it" and it is the world of tikun (a fixing of one's character traits as a way of developing, fixing and growing the identity of your own soul) whereby the goal of our lives is not comfort, life style, fame and honor, wealth, success - it is only personal, psychological, emotional, personal and spiritual growth (through Mitzvas and Torah) and that having and meeting our unique challenges "is" what life is all about. It's not about success, victory, having it all wok out - no-it's about the struggle, persistence, sticktuitiveness,- keeping your eye on the ball as to what is important and what you want no matter what get's thrown in your way. The in a way, everything in life is only about your action, reaction, words, and thoughts in your G-d given circumstances in our lives. In a sense, the circumstances we ever find ourselves in our neutral and our lives exist between our ears - how do we choose in a given moment. Will it be about me and my self absorption, self centered, ego-driven concerns or will it be about the other guy? will it be about painting a beautiful tapestry for Hashem as to what Hashem wants to see in this world.?

I hate our circumstances - Part of me just can't believe it- I can't imagine ever processing it, and I still believe she will walk through the door. I will speak for myself - I am angry-very but not at Hashem. I had full clarity that he is the God of the heavens and earth, the infinite, pure perfection etc before this happened. I have known that he runs every detail that happens to mankind- I mean how else did the perfect storm happen so that Shoshie isn't here. How many times in our lives have we been vulnerable, that we came close to danger, or really could have been very close to danger (like driving back from a bar before it became unfashionable to drive drunk-BH). Look I didn't understand how Hashem ran his world all together when times were good. Do I understand how we came from sperm and egg? Do I understand how our eye is designed for us to see? Do I understand that no-one, nothing tells our hearts to breath? Just what do we really understand. Why Hashem gave us these circumstances, I just don't know. Would I have rather had Shoshie for 12 years and 4 months than not to have her at all- of course very time. Am I and Denise in total agony, sheer terror, horror and pain-we are. We are and have been very close to our kids, not aloof, we seek to build them up to fly. We invested our kishkas - only to be taken away from us. It is comforting for me to know that I've got 50 some odd years here to make the biggest difference I can, I will with Hashem's help fight, scratch and claw every ounce of my being to make that difference- I won't quit - we'll keep on going-more determined than ever that life is not happen-stance- life is all about meaning, being good and doing the right thing. Join me!

Sorry for the rambling - when i sat down I didn't think I had anything to write about and nothing much on my mind - These words, thoughts and ideas are coming from beyond the conscious mind- anything of value embrace! Anything not of value-discard
Love to you all

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