Coping & Chizzuk
It's
been very tough -particularly around 7:00 p.m. and there about on
Sundays. We get nauseous and sick to our stomachs. We are caught in
moments that go no-where and everything seems to slow. Amazingly, though
we wanted to see no-one, 2 angels stopped by (One of the two witnesses
to the event) and unwittingly caressed our neshamos. BTW they did Chesed
in the most perfect way - ("We are only here for a few minutes" they
said -giving us an opportunity to say "go" and kept checking back with
us to see if we wanted them to be there) -that's the way to do it. Most
people most of the time have been very good at checking in, seeing if we
need or want anything, not waiting to elicit a conversation (not every
interested in that) and leaving us. And if you do stop by, in general be
very sensitive that we have little kids to bathe, feed, shower,
homework and put to bed. Those kids schedules are of course 1st
priority. We are bh getting through this together and it has been so
important to us your outpouring of love, care and concern. It had made
me know in the deepest way how special it is to be "Jewish", a part of
the Jewish people, how we shine as a people once put to the test - you
know we are all part of the same body (unit) when our toe is stubbed and
it hurts, the ripple effect makes us feel it somewhere else. We have
experienced this first hand, your hands are still holding ours, you
haven't let go - We feel that this is your trauma and pain too. You
can't do enough! Nothing is too big, nothing is too small. How I think
to myself "how unresponsive have I been" to precious people in my life
who have someone dear to them. Of course I will do bli neder a better
job in the future. One thing I forgot to mention is please be very
careful now about telling us something mundane, insignificant to us at
this time and please don't ask me to take responsibility for your shared
pain at some other time in your life by sharing it with us - I only
mean this with love- I don't have what it takes inside of me right now
to be fully there for you, listening to you, caring about your
feelings-I just don't. I don't want to know in a post or visit how what I
said reminds you of the time your mourned for x or felt y pain. With
our personalities it is extremely hard to feel indulgent of our own
feelings and be a little understandably self absorbed. We know that in
time, that we want to fully present in your lives, showering you with
our warmth, fun, and appreciation of your unique self.
This
is long term type of thing. Unfortunately, my brother passed away when i
was 21, my parents lost a child - I saw and learned a lot from that
time. How in the world does one get used to the idea that "things will
never be the same" - ever! There will never be a care-free moment again
when everything will feel complete-not even at the wedding of any of our
children. Just the opposite there will be an over-whelming void that
something is missing, not in it's place and really messed up. The other
day I had an insight to this point. Hold onto your hats! That actually
is supposed to be the normal feeling for us in this world and we are
just catching up to it. What do i mean?. If one is really real with the
fact that this world is not "it" and it is the world of tikun (a fixing
of one's character traits as a way of developing, fixing and growing the
identity of your own soul) whereby the goal of our lives is not
comfort, life style, fame and honor, wealth, success - it is only
personal, psychological, emotional, personal and spiritual growth
(through Mitzvas and Torah) and that having and meeting our unique
challenges "is" what life is all about. It's not about success, victory,
having it all wok out - no-it's about the struggle, persistence,
sticktuitiveness,- keeping your eye on the ball as to what is important
and what you want no matter what get's thrown in your way. The in a way,
everything in life is only about your action, reaction, words, and
thoughts in your G-d given circumstances in our lives. In a sense, the
circumstances we ever find ourselves in our neutral and our lives exist
between our ears - how do we choose in a given moment. Will it be about
me and my self absorption, self centered, ego-driven concerns or will it
be about the other guy? will it be about painting a beautiful tapestry
for Hashem as to what Hashem wants to see in this world.?
I
hate our circumstances - Part of me just can't believe it- I can't
imagine ever processing it, and I still believe she will walk through
the door. I will speak for myself - I am angry-very but not at Hashem. I
had full clarity that he is the God of the heavens and earth, the
infinite, pure perfection etc before this happened. I have known that he
runs every detail that happens to mankind- I mean how else did the
perfect storm happen so that Shoshie isn't here. How many times in our
lives have we been vulnerable, that we came close to danger, or really
could have been very close to danger (like driving back from a bar
before it became unfashionable to drive drunk-BH). Look I didn't
understand how Hashem ran his world all together when times were good.
Do I understand how we came from sperm and egg? Do I understand how our
eye is designed for us to see? Do I understand that no-one, nothing
tells our hearts to breath? Just what do we really understand. Why
Hashem gave us these circumstances, I just don't know. Would I have
rather had Shoshie for 12 years and 4 months than not to have her at
all- of course very time. Am I and Denise in total agony, sheer terror,
horror and pain-we are. We are and have been very close to our kids, not
aloof, we seek to build them up to fly. We invested our kishkas - only
to be taken away from us. It is comforting for me to know that I've got
50 some odd years here to make the biggest difference I can, I will
with Hashem's help fight, scratch and claw every ounce of my being to
make that difference- I won't quit - we'll keep on going-more determined
than ever that life is not happen-stance- life is all about meaning,
being good and doing the right thing. Join me!
Sorry for the
rambling - when i sat down I didn't think I had anything to write about
and nothing much on my mind - These words, thoughts and ideas are coming
from beyond the conscious mind- anything of value embrace! Anything not
of value-discard
Love to you all
Mike
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