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Today
I’d like to share with you some thoughts as to what lessons we have learned from Shoshie’s Petira
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And
how those lessons amidst the terrifying darkness can shed light for us during
this auspicious time of the 3 weeks and Tish B av.
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As many of you know, Denise and I experienced our
own personal “Tis b av” this past year with the loss of our beloved daughter
–Shoshie
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It was the moment in our lives where we felt a
removal of God’s presence – a feeling of where is God now? Will we ever feel
his presence again?
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A crumbling of our own Bais Hamikdash M’at –Shoshie’s
physical body that could no longer be
the vessel that could hold the infinite light /life
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And a personal exile of where life as we had
always known it…….is gone! a completely new and untraveled pathway, step
by step, must now be forged
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On April 14th, around 6:00 p.m., my
wife and I noticed that our daughter Shoshie
was not yet back in our home, uncharacteristically , my wife, Denise
became concerned
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Our girls are very independent, capable,
responsible, smart , feet on the ground, good decision makers– there have been
very few times that we have ever been concerned about them -this was unusual!
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Denise was readying herself to go out – we spoke
–check the nearby dog park –Gd forbid maybe some man pulled her into the bushes
–at that point that was our worst nightmare- Shoshie was beautiful
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It was as if Denise knew something by going out
–I remember looking at the clock in a stare at 7:11 p.m. – I had a sense of
dread
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An angel must have taken Denise on a circuitous
route until she happened upon a roped off scene with all sorts of police, cars
stopped, drivers out of cars
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The policeman asked “what are you looking for”?
My daughter she is lost. The policeman took Denise over to the side and showed
her Shoshie’s skate-board- Is this your daughters?
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The moment
of unspeakable dread came instantly to my wife
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Shoshie was struck by a driver crossing Palmetto
Parkway in Boca Raton on a skateboard. According to numerous reports she died
instantly –
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One has exactly 7 seconds to cross a 6-lane
highway not including 2 turning lanes – It was not a situation that had gone
un-noticed to the burgeoning Jewish community of a 1,000 families
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But who has the time and motivation to do
anything about it unless you are
personally impacted
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It’s not that anyone took the crossing lightly –
people are careful- the Jewish community exists on both sides of the highway.
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Shoshie –rarely-perhaps only a few times crossed
this highway alone- if she crossed it was with Devori, my older daughter.
Shoshie’s best friend.
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All of a sudden, a knock on the door, a policeman
and Denise enter the door –“I know without words” that Shoshie is dead
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What do you say at that moment? What do you say
to God? What do you say to your wife? What do you say to your kids and yourself?
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The most un-imaginable, the most un-believable,
the most unspeakable, the most life
changing event –just happened –
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Life as we knew it is now gone…. Forever – There
will never be a completely care free moment in our lives again-starting now
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How are we going to tell our children that they
lost a sibling? How am I going to tell my mother that not only in her life time
did she lose a son, a husband but now a grandchild? How?
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There we are in the car going together to
identify our daughter – but we of course know it’s her- all her personable were
at the scene of the accident
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How does a father and a mother say goodbye to a
daughter? Literally! As we last saw her
dead at the Delray medical center?
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How does one find words when there are none? Or they just don’t mean anything?
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How are we going to sit around the shabbos table,
drive in car or experience a yom tov without our Shoshie?
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How do we pick up the pieces and where are we
going to go from here? What is the new normal?
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There was life before Shoshie and now there is
life after Shoshie
Finding
Light in the Darkness
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Tonight’s topic is finding “light” within the
darkness for Denise and I personally – and for all of us the darkness of the 3
weeks and Tish b av
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To find the light that we all are seeking we need
to first identify and be real that there is darkness.
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It is within that darkness, itself, where we will
find the light and will propel us to do whatever we can to make the light part
of our lives.
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For so many of us, thank God, It’s not easy
finding and seeing darkness. For any kind of sustained period of time. There is
our normal, average, day to day mundane life. A rut!
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And
sometimes, you hear about another person’s tragedy, oy –you empathize, make a
mental note, perhaps a little Tehillim, a prayer on their behalf –
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Sometimes it hits closer to home, someone you
know well, and you share their misery, heart-break, disappointments- but you get
back to your life
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Sometimes we are touched by the constant calamity
around the world. An abundant amount of
war, poverty, evil, death, illness, devastating destruction, so many people’s
lives shattered – but we have normal lives
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And thank God in general, Hashem doesn’t seem to really
make us or expect us to live with this reality on a day to day basis.
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Normal life presents a curtain that we don’t
often see behind and if we do it’s not for a long time and we get back to life
at the mundane curtain.
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If we lived with all the pain in the world around
us, we would be paralyzed and
overwhelmed with what do I do first, who I help?
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Then there are many-and I mean many of us who
have personal challenges that alter our day to day life,
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Then there are those who have experienced a
personal tragedy-that has altered every
second of how we live, think and talk - Where there is no normal – that
certainly is a lot easier to see the darkness
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How do we find that same personal darkness and
see that in a broader context of the 3 weeks and Tish B av- the Jewish people
and the world around us.
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So
as we sat Shiva we were told so many times “may you be comforted amongst the
mourners of (Tzion) Zion and Yerushalayim”
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After
awhile ……..I thought, I know we read, hear about these mourners, it’s foggy and
not really clear
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What
does that mean? Who are these mourners of Zion and Yerushalayim? Where are
they? And once I find them where have they been up until now?
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So
I started to think back about my last 25 years of Judaism experiences,,,
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Yeah!
Mourners of Zion –Yerushalayim of course – It’s all been right there under my nose
all the time! The mourners of Zion and Yerushalayim!
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And
it happens that this is the period that we are in now, the 3 weeks culminating
with tish b av -
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We
are supposed to be those mourners of Zion and Yerushalayim - And then I started
seeing it all over Jewish life
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When
we do the grace after meals on Shabbos – Shir Hamalot (tune) “When Hashem will
return the captivity of Zion” -
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Zion
is captured – whatever we have in Israel today, is not the Tzion that we are
waiting for
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Zion
in the daily prayer - “ Vsechehzena- May our eyes behold your return to Zion– in
compassion, Blessed are you, Hashem who restores his presence to Zion
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We
are mourning a lack of Hashem’s presence - Uva Ltzion goal – “a redeemer” shall
come to Zion
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Further
in Shir Hamaalot it says - We will be like dreamers (That when Tzion is finally
redeemed by Moshiach and we have full knowledge of god and the clarity we seek)
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At
that time, and only at that time –will this new knowledge resonate so much to
us that we will realize that we have gotten used to living in
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Mediocrity,
complacency, a lack of inspired growth, a compromised reality, evil, a lack of
justice, –a life and world not rooted in reality- it will feel like a dream
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Then-only
then (when Zion is retuned) will our mouths be filled with laughter (but before
that? No!) Our tongue with glad song! (before that)? No!- Hashem’s presence is
missing in Zion and our lives
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And
yet, we go on in our lives as if it was normal –it’s not!
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And
how about the other introductory paragraph before Grace after the meal that we
are supposed to say during the week? Al Naharos Baval? –
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“By
the rivers of Babylon, (exile from Bais Hamikdash-Hashem’s presence) there we
sat and wept, when we remembered Zion,
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“
If I forget you O Yerushalayim –let my right hand forget it’s skill” - - -
Let my tongue adhere to my palate ……..if I fail to elevate Yerushalayim above
my greatest joy.
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Have
we forgotten God forbid what’s the real life we seek –one of peace, love,
unity, truth, good, righteousness, perfection and what’s the mundane illusion
we live in”?
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Denise
and I had our chasuna at Moshav Orah-Outside the sight of the Makome Hamikdash
where some poskim are lenient to have live music
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But
within the sight of the Makome Ha –Mikdash- we will settle for a wedding with “
a drum” that’s all.
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How
can we go about and forget ourselves – yippe yi ay ……as if “we’ve made it” –
this is how it should be” ----no! The schenina is exile !! !!
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The
ashes we place on the forehead of a Chasan at his own wedding, the breaking of
the glass –both symbolize remembering the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash –
Right then and there at our own wedding? Yes!
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“Our joy is not complete” – for us personally,
we are getting married awesome- couldn’t get better but how about others” – Hashem’s world – so much
pain, so much suffering, so much turmoil …. “My joy isn’t complete
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I lived in the
Old City – I remember people going to bed after dark and getting up to recite
“Tikun Chatzot” – Life isn’t normal as it should be
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Lastly, The Midrash on
Tehillim) Shocher Tov -taught as follows:
If a man covers his house with plaster, he must
leave a small place uncovered,
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If a man prepares all that goes with a feast, he must
leave out some small thing, If a woman is adorning herself, she must leave off
some small thing,
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All of these things I mentioned are constant reminders
of what we have lost. Never a day with complete joy, never a day without being
focused on what life is about, what we are aiming for and what our goal is
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WOW!
We get it - - - - - Denise and I will
never ever, ever, have a carefree moment a true light hearted moment, the rest
of our lives without the memory of the loss of our Shoshie –
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We
now have caught up with the true reality that Hashem wants us to understand,
know and live along with the true mourner’s of Tzion and Yerushalayim
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What
an expectation of Hashem’s!!!! – The rest of our lives…….to always experience
this loss …… the pain, the anguish, the confusion, the lack of clarity (where
is this all going) – Oy –Oy- Oy
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No
matter how happy of a joyous occasion – it will never, ever be complete-for us
there is no such thing – and it has dawned upon us
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And
just like the Rabbi’s intended for the Jewish people to never live life the
same as it was before the destruction
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Never
to feel unbridled joy, never to feel completely care free joy- even at your
wedding –we understand – Shabbos will never be the same again
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The
message for us now and all of us that no matter how much all of our personal
joy is, how comfortable our lives are– our joy, life can’t be complete if
others are suffering
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We
are in the midst of the 3 weeks and Tish B av when we must realize that the Jewish people are exiled from God’s close
presence, exiled from Yerushalayim,
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Our
holy temple destroyed, knowledge of god cloudy, inspiration stifled –and we
can’t adequately. properly serve Gd
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Life
was never the same for the jewish people – we are all mourners of Zion and
Yerushalayim but we finally caught up to it !
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Well
we got to do something about this- we can’t let the world be! Too much pain,
falsehood, evil –etc etc -We can’t let it go on this way!
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The
world needs God’s love, God’s light, we need peace, truth and Unity – Now! Not
tomorrow, now! We have to step up!
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I don’t want this heaviness, I don’t want this
intensity- I don’t want the responsibility- And, I don’t want to be this awake!
I am awake now!
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And
yet, this is what I came to share - “being awake” is actually is the “light” of Shoshie’s Petira amidst
the darkness that Hashem wants for Mike and Denise and in reality all of us
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I
call it “living life behind the curtain –The curtain being the normal day to day
mundane life as we know it.
· King Solomon teaches us what it means to live behind the curtain –says "It's better to go to a house of mourning than to a Simcha" (Koheles 7:2).
· Really! “I’ve been to both”– of course that appears so crazy -But not really!.
· What are we here for anyway, to do errands? Errand after errand after errand! What a treadmill!
· It almost seems that there is never enough time to take care of things that you are justifiably responsible for.
· I mean we got to take care of our shopping, schlepping, cooking, laundry, jobs, bills, car pools - gosh this is ridiculous. I don’t even have enough time for that ….. that mundane living and it’s all legitimate.
· Wow! Is this why I am here on this earth? Is this why the Almighty took the time to create me? But in truth, these things do have to get done-we need to eat, wear clean clothes and raise our families. But what a conundrum!.
· Every once so often we get a glimpse behind the curtain! We are awake!
· Maybe it's an important exam, a special anniversary, job interview, your child accomplishes something special, receive a gift of jewelry.... - you are lifted into a different dimension. –but then the curtain turns back
· Then there is whole other level of heightened living - they found G-d forbid a spot on your liver, your kid has been coughing for 2 month and they don't know why, your mother G-d forbid is in the ICU unit,-More awake!
· Your spouse is abusing you, you are going to undergo surgery, you get divorced and your ex is acrimonious, your kids don't seem to be following in your path etc. Now Hashem has your attention. Awake now? Not pleasant!
· But being awake means realizing the preciousness of life! -The preciousness of each moment and that is the light from amidst the darkness of Shoshie’s Petira -
· A whole new level of heightened living that has resulted from the loss of my precious Shoshie. Moments of life are in slower motion!
· The curtain has been peeled back and this time has stayed that way. It’s seeing reality unmasked.
· It’s a clarity that shows us a far bigger picture, where we somehow touch the magnitude of meaning that is pregnant in every moment-what is adds up to in one’s life
· "How could anyone even have an errand list"?,
· What the stupidity that is on the T.V, newspapers, magazines etc? What the heck are people spending their time talking about? Who cares what color?
· How could you watch Oprah, play candy crush, spend so much time posting on face-book, going through today's mail examining all of the neat shopping offers and possibilities, wasting time
· And for me all mundane things have become a bit more of a drag and actually get in the way of the concerns on our mind
· Life is not back to normal. The new normal is every second seems to be in slow motion. We are totally awake! You have our attention now!
· What are we doing with our lives? - Drop the pettiness!
· There is more peace in our home than ever before (bli ayin hara). We are more focused on what is important and we seem to all get along better and be more forgiving of each other’s idiosyncrasies, faults and stupidity.
· Yes heightened awareness can work both ways. Fear of making your moments count can paralyze you or they can energize you.
· A deeper realization of the preciousness of our moments can help us live with more meaning and significance.
· I can never look at my wife and kids in the same way as before. It's not that I can't-it's I don't. I can more easily see their true greatness and I certainly I am not bothered with the things that I was critical about. I am more awake
· You know, if you asked me a few weeks ago "was Shoshie kind, loving, a peace -maker, a good eye, simchat Hachaim, I would have said a meek -yes of course she is all of those things. Now after the fact, I can now see; her whole character, the entire picture of who she is, adds up to a glow. Wow!
· What an unbelievable person she really was, true greatness yet I didn't really see it as much as it was in her lifetime. Not awake enough
· Although, she always listened to us, always helped us etc, that was just normal living for her and that is how we saw it.
· Oy what a missed opportunity to really see who she was in her lifetime! Don’t we owe that to our spouse and kids?
· I heard from the CEO of Aish HaTorah international, he told me that Reb Noach (Rabbi Noach Weinberg ztl our Rosh HaYeshiva) was quoted as saying that when his father passed away he thought to himself
· “Only a mourner can say Kaddish in the proper way. You see Kaddish is entirely praise of Hashem and not about the deceased! More easily seen when you are living life behind the curtain.
· Colors appear to me more beautiful, my kid’s laughs more funny, my wife is gorgeous, my friends and family more endearing to me.
· Losing Shoshie, a precious soul seems to have put me lingering on the other side of the curtain –where one can “truly” see and “truly” hear, “truly” experience and “truly” give and love.
· No-one is more awake and alert than a person on the other side. It's a gift that Shoshie left us and one that I want to share.
· If I was living to change the world I am more motivated than ever now -if I was driven by the desire to be good and have meaning in my life- It's more now.
· And that is called "living" - anything short of that, at the end of our lives, we will be kicking ourselves from not utilizing the opportunities for greatness.
· When the curtain becomes open for you - Hashem is shaking you to get your attention, realize that Hashem is giving you a gift-an opportunity to realize the preciousness of life and what life is all about.
· Let us realize the opportunity before us, that we have to join the mourners of Zion and Yerushalayim and do what we can to bring Moshiach, so we have return to Yerushalayim, build the Beis HaMikdash
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All
year we can console ourselves – a glass that is half empty – we look at it with
an attitude of gratitude – don’t see it as half empty see it half full.- if I
don’t have this, then I least have that, if it’s not this way, then in another
area I have it another way
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Not
during the 3 weeks. Life , joy isn’t complete, It’s not how it should be , it
should be better- We got to get to the point of dissatisfaction - enough to motivate
us to do something about it – “Positive dissatisfaction”- to build the bais
Hamikdash
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So
now that we are wide awake – How do we respond in reaction to Tish b av- the
national mourning day of the Jewish people?
